GQ’s Business Lingo Guidebook

In my reading of GQ this past month, I stumbled upon an article about corporate lingo which I thought included some amazing analysis of select lingo that people like to sling around and it hits the nail right on the head. I feel that it needs to be share with the world, so I’m going to post it here…it may violate some copyright laws, but I think since I’ve attributed it, I’m in the clear.

Anyway, the following is taken from the November 2007 issue of GQ (p. 170) as written by Cecil Donahue:

If corporate Kool-Aid can indeed be toxic, then buzzwords are its concentrate, as the following abbreviated glossary illustrates.

• “Think outside the box.” This is the classic example of unintended corporate irony: invoking a wretched cliché in vain attempt to inspire creativity. The guy who utters this crap has never actually set foot outside the box. He would not, in fact, know a triangle if it stabbed him in the eye. As a highly respected company square, he is skilled in the art of squeezing a few more pounds of shit into said box and declaring that he’s created “an expanded fecal quadrilateral.”
• “Assmosis.” The guy who uses this one - the process by which butt-kissers gain advantage - is a dangerous subversive who has managed to retain an once of wit and probably hides the dark secret from coworkers that he’s got a somewhat fulfilling life outside the office. A hobby, perhaps, or a wife he actually likes.
• …
• “Slam dunk.” This one is usually employed by white men with an average vertical leap of seven inches - which (again with the little-known facts) also happens to be roughly twice the length of their fully erect penises. The only thing the guy who uses this phrase has likely ever dunked is a crueller.
• “Bottom line.” There are two kinds of users, and while both tend to be cut-to-the-chase types who are laudable enemies of interminable meetings, the guy who uses it as a verb (”Let me bottom-line it for you”) is also an enemy of comprehensible English.
• “Not rocket science.” NASA engineers, of course. prefer the phrase not brain surgery.
• “Win-win.” Odds are that the person who drops this during a negotiation has the upper hand, so you may want to check the fine print. It is the contemporary version of “Trust me.”
• “Agreeance” He who says this will also insist on “between you and I” because, well, it sounds weird so it must be right.
• “Monetize.” This character never met a noun he couldn’t figure out how to verbatize. Also favors such words as anonomize, evangelize, incentivize, operationalize, and productize. Will not listen when you criticize.
• “Brain dump.” This is the nauseating cousin of the creepy phrase pick your brain, and folks who use these tend to have peculiar eating habits - smelly microwaved lunches - followed by extended bathroom breaks.
• “Irregardless.” Cannot be convinced that this word does not exist - irregardless of how aggressively you evangelize your disagreeance with its usage.
• …
• “Low-hanging fruit.” This phrase is favored by the same people who pepper their statements with clichés drawn from sports. Refer to previous entry on slam dunk for possible explanation

I hope that you found this little foray into the semantics of the business hustle as enjoyable as I have!

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

a Wordpress powered Site | Site info| contact cafourek [at] gmail.com